Just for Laughs/Text Jokes

[reden]

SA MAY KANTO.
LASING: Miss ang panget mo!
BABAE: Kapal ng mukha mo! Ikaw naman LASENGGO!
LASING: Haler? Bukas di na ako lasing, ikaw bukas panget pa rin!..
Wahahahahaha. ....

ANAK: Dad I'm fifteen na, pwede na ba ako mag BRA?
DAD: Di pwede!
ANAK: But dad, all my friends wear bra na..
DAD: Tigilan mo ako RENATO!!! Baka pisain ko itlog mo!!

HUSBAND: Pagkamatay ko ipamamana ko sayo 50 hectares ng lupa't
bahay at 350 million sa bank.
Ano pa mahihiling mo?
WIFE: Gusto ko mamatay ka na. Now na!

NENE: Inay, pinatambling ako kanina sa school!
INAY: Gaga! Gusto lang nila makita panty mo!
NENE: Alam ko! Kaya nga tinago ko sa bag yung panty ko eh!!..

Dati ang gamot sa sakit ng ulo ay
KISPIRIN AT YAKAPSUL..
Ngayon hindi na daw uso yun?
Ano na uso?
BIOGESEX!
Pwedeng gawin kahit walang laman ang tiyan...
Wahahahaha.. .

DO YO KNOW THE MEANING OF?
BRA:
B - Breast
R - Raising
A - Apparatus

BRIEFS:
B - Bird
R - Resting
I - Its
E - Eggs
F - For safety

CONDOM:
C - Catcher
O - Of
N - Nutritious
D - Drops
O - Of
M - Men

ANG TANGANG SI JR:
CALOY: Pare,napakatanga ng mrs. ko! Isipin mo bumili ng load wala
naman kaming cellphone?
BEN: Mas tanga mrs. ko!! Biruin mo, bumili ng printer wala
naman kaming computer...
JR: Wala ng mas tatanga sa mrs. ko mga pare!!! Akalain nyo,
tuwing aalis sya, laging nagdadala ngcondom, ala
naman syang TITI! Wahahaha...

NGONGO AND WIFE (MAKING LOVE)...
NGONGO: Muk'a mo mapute!
WIFE: Di naman, ah.
NGONGO: Muk'a mo mapute!
WIFE: Di nga sabi mapute eh!
NGONGO: (shouting) Ang abi ko, MUK'A MO MAPUTE!!!
(Anak Nagising...)
ANAK: Ma, ang sabi ni papa... IBUKA MO MABUTE!
Naman oh, istorbo...! HUmmppp!!!!

LOLA: Iho, tulungan mo ko, isa akong prinsesa, ako'y
isinumpa. Kung ako'y iyong gagahasain, babalik ako sa maganda kong
anyo at tuluyan ng mapuputol ang sumpa.
MAKARAAN ANG ILANG SAGLIT..
BINATA: Yan, tapos na! Bakit di ka pa nagpapalit ng anyo?
LOLA: Ilan taon ka na, iho?
BINATA: 28 po.
LOLA: Yan tanda mong yan naniniwala kappa sa FAIRYTALES?

ANAK: Itay, ano sa English ang utot?
AMA: Wind of change.
ANAK: Eh yung utot na walang tunog?
AMA: Sound of Silence.
ANAK: Yung utot na may dalang ebak?
AMA: Dust in the wind.
ANAK: Eh, yung di sinasadyang utot?
AMA: Careless whisper!

[barzee]

hahahaha!!!!

[iohannes]

A woman was walking along the beach when she stumbled upon a Genie's lamp. She picked it up and rubbed it, and lo-and-behold a Genie appeared. The amazed woman asked if she was going to receive the usual three wishes.

The Genie said, "Nope... due to inflation, constant downsizing, low wages in third-world countries, and fierce global competition, I can only grant you one wish. So...what'll it be?"

The woman didn't hesitate. She said, "I want peace in the Middle East. See this map? I want these countries to stop fighting with each other."

The Genie looked at the map and exclaimed, "Gadzooks, lady! These countries have been at war for thousands of years. I'm good, but not THAT good! I don't think it can be done. Make another wish."

The woman thought for a minute and said, "Well, I've never been able to find the right man. You know, one that's considerate and fun, likes to cook and helps with the housecleaning, is good in bed and gets along with my family, doesn't watch sports all the time, and is faithful. That's what I wish for ... a good mate."

The Genie let out a long sigh and said, "Let me see that f****** map!"

[iohannes]

An elderly couple were having dinner at another couple's house and after their meal, the wives left the table to go to the kitchen.

The two elderly gents were talking, and one says: "Last night we went out to a fabulous new restaurant .I'd highly recommend."

The other man says: "What's the name of the restaurant?"

The first man thinks long and hard with a furrowed brow, finally saying: "Ah, what is the name of that red flower you give to someone you love?"

His friend replies: "A carnation?" "No, no. The other one," the man says.

His friend suggest "The poppy?"

"No, no, no" growls the man.

"You know - the one that is red and has thorns."

His friend says: "Do you mean a rose?"

"Yes! Thank you!" the first man says. He then turns toward the kitchen and yells: "Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?"

[hanren]

Lola: Apo, malapit na akong mamatay. Ipapamana ko na sa iyo ang aking kayamanan, ang aking bahay, ang aking palayan at sakahan, at ang hayupan.
Apo: Salamat po inang. Pero saan po ang mga yon?
Lola: Sa Facebook.

[hanren]

It's Hell to be Old


OLD people have problems that you haven't even considered yet!

An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.

'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.

'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing.'

The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?'

The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.